If you're really gunning for results, unsolicited advice doesn't work.
Advice might serve for self-affirmation at the expense of others, for feeding your ego, and for many other things, but not for results. No other person (your client, colleague, or buddy) will do what someone tells them to.
Why so? Because the impulse for change always comes from within.
Each of us must really want to change something to take a new step or go down a new path.
And until we get to the point of understanding what we want for ourselves, unsolicited advice will only frustrate and hinder.
But we often don't see how we give unsolicited advice ourselves. Even when we mean to do better.
How to stop doing it?
For those who've directly experienced the futility of unsolicited advice, refraining becomes more natural. However, recognition alone isn't enough. You need to develop the skill of noticing when you're giving such advice again.
Ever pondered the story behind those tinkling bells encircling Buddhist temples? They sway and sing in the breeze, triggering an instant self-check: "I'm here, right now. What's my internal weather like?" It's a hack for unlocking mindfulness.
The more often you visit the temple, the better your mind remembers this behavioral pattern.
The same thing works with giving unsolicited advice: ceasing such behavior requires improving the skill of identifying such cases.
Becoming your own advice detective starts with decoding its disguises. Unsolicited advice is sly, often parading as innocent questions ("Don't you think...?" or "Have you tried...?"), well-intentioned rescue ops, or empathy.
You'll have to reflect a lot, replay different scenarios, and decode them.
For example, when talking to a client or chatting, ask yourself, "What am I doing right now?" Answer honestly and repeat this exercise in every situation where there's potential for unsolicited advice. It's important to be in a mindful state and monitor your own behavior.
Eventually, you'll develop the ability to notice another instance of advice within yourself. When you do it again, you'll be able to highlight in your mind, "I did it again."
From this point, the psyche takes charge. If it consistently recognizes behavior that runs counter to your intentions, it will eventually cease replicating it.
Bottom line: to abandon the impulse to give unsolicited advice, master the skill of recognizing when you're engaged in it.
For this, you need:
Some people, for example, give themselves rewards for every piece of advice they don't give out. It can be a chocolate medal or a gold one of your choice. At the end of each month, you can count them to motivate yourself and others.
How do you feel about this impulse control method?
Advice might serve for self-affirmation at the expense of others, for feeding your ego, and for many other things, but not for results. No other person (your client, colleague, or buddy) will do what someone tells them to.
Why so? Because the impulse for change always comes from within.
Each of us must really want to change something to take a new step or go down a new path.
And until we get to the point of understanding what we want for ourselves, unsolicited advice will only frustrate and hinder.
But we often don't see how we give unsolicited advice ourselves. Even when we mean to do better.
How to stop doing it?
For those who've directly experienced the futility of unsolicited advice, refraining becomes more natural. However, recognition alone isn't enough. You need to develop the skill of noticing when you're giving such advice again.
Ever pondered the story behind those tinkling bells encircling Buddhist temples? They sway and sing in the breeze, triggering an instant self-check: "I'm here, right now. What's my internal weather like?" It's a hack for unlocking mindfulness.
The more often you visit the temple, the better your mind remembers this behavioral pattern.
The same thing works with giving unsolicited advice: ceasing such behavior requires improving the skill of identifying such cases.
Becoming your own advice detective starts with decoding its disguises. Unsolicited advice is sly, often parading as innocent questions ("Don't you think...?" or "Have you tried...?"), well-intentioned rescue ops, or empathy.
You'll have to reflect a lot, replay different scenarios, and decode them.
For example, when talking to a client or chatting, ask yourself, "What am I doing right now?" Answer honestly and repeat this exercise in every situation where there's potential for unsolicited advice. It's important to be in a mindful state and monitor your own behavior.
Eventually, you'll develop the ability to notice another instance of advice within yourself. When you do it again, you'll be able to highlight in your mind, "I did it again."
From this point, the psyche takes charge. If it consistently recognizes behavior that runs counter to your intentions, it will eventually cease replicating it.
Bottom line: to abandon the impulse to give unsolicited advice, master the skill of recognizing when you're engaged in it.
For this, you need:
- Sufficient experience to mark the moments when you give unsolicited advice.
- Mindfulness. You need to reflexively note what's happening within you and at what moment.
Some people, for example, give themselves rewards for every piece of advice they don't give out. It can be a chocolate medal or a gold one of your choice. At the end of each month, you can count them to motivate yourself and others.
How do you feel about this impulse control method?